Helping Skills Toolkit: Exercising Empathy, Not Judgment

Helping skills are especially important when you meet resistance or work with people who just seem stuck.

When we’re given directives about how to change, it rarely sticks. We must connect with our motivation to change for changes to have lasting impact.
It is important to consider, “Why do I want to help this person?”

Healthy reason to helps include treating people as Christ would treat them, healing the sick, showing compassion, and loving others well.

Ephesians 5:2 & Luke 8:40-48

Unhealthy reasons include: a desire to fix people, save someone from themselves, our own pride.

Understanding our “Why” helps us find personal agendas and biases that can get in the way of our ability to truly help someone.

Jesus cared first by asking, “What do you want me to do for you?” as we see in Mark 10:46-52. He also asked, “Do you want to be well?” in John 5:6. It is wise for us to give others total freedom to make choices they are motivated to make.

Have you ever sat across from people and known exactly what they needed to do to get their lives on track? We have too! This is top-down helping.

Top-down helping means, you are at the top and can see clearly from there.

From a top-down view, you can tell someone exactly where they need to be and how to get there.

You may even share a Scripture or example from your own life. Beneficial, but can’t be the only way we help others. Because of this approach, some people may walk away or relapse.

Bottom-up helping involves sitting with someone in their pain or stuckness. Bottom-up helping provides support, encouragement, and patience. This prevents the person from feeling compared.

The two most important characteristics of helping someone are empathy and non-judgment.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Pity and Sympathy are often confused with empathy.
- Pity is feeling bad for someone because they seem beneath us.
- Sympathy is feeling bad for someone else’s suffering, but still places us above the other person.

The foundational idea behind non-judgement and empathy is “If God can allow me to make mistakes or fail and continue to love me, surely I can give that safety to someone else.”

Listening skills are an essential part of helping skills. There are three main types of listening skills.

Body posture- open and receptive to what someone is sharing with you.
Active Listening-restate what you’ve heard and do less than 50% of the talking.
Reflective Listening- makes connections and invites deeper meaning by using phrases like, “Tell me more about that.”

When someone is starting to shut down, they will begin to answer open-ended questions with statements such as, “I don’t know.”

The two most important characteristics of helping someone are empathy and non-judgment.

It is important for us to not share too much of our own story at the wrong time.
Sharing our own story at the wrong time can
unintentionally make someone feel inadequate,
iscouraged, or not take the conversation seriously.
Sharing our story at the wrong time can place distance between you and the other person.

Instead of sharing your story, ask more reflective questions! The goal is to help the person come to a place of motivation toward change. Once you’ve developed a relationship with them, then you can take the next step, whether that’s helping them set goals or referring them to someone who is more qualified to help them.